Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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