Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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