i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
