I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
