after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Even the bartender felt bad for me
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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