at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
