I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
