Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
