dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
