I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
