my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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