I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Randomize
