after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
