Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize