my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
my liver is dry heaving
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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