you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Actions speak louder than pants.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I'm experimenting with sincerity
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
