Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
