I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
