Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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