Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
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