She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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