It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
and eventually we just all took our pants off
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
