We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
