I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
