I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
