If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
