Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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