I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
two words...techno handjob
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize