this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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