my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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