Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize