I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
