And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
