I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
