i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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