Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
