I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
