i already hear my dad disowning me
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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