I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
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