god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
