Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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