Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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