theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
