i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
