Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
