What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
