He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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