At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
