Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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