Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
My penis needs a shock collar
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize