I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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