I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
