If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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