his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
