He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
