it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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